paint me green, paint me blue

I'm having a really hard time.  With everything.  It's like I worked so hard to get here, and now that I'm here and I've proved that I could do it I am absolutely empty and alone.

What the fuck?

How in the world did I push everyone I love away from me?  How in the world did I end up always falling in love with people who treat me like shit?

I am so close to breaking that silence.  So ready to say, hey, what's going on?

But I am trying really hard to stay strong, to get through this whatever it is, and come out on the other side.


I've also realized that a lot of my old friends make me uncomfortable.  Hanging out with them is weird.  I don't like the way they say things, the manner with which they joke. 

So here I am.  Me. Me, me, me, and me.

I can't believe he hasn't initiated conversation at all this entire time.  He's maintained the entire time that he wants to be friends, or he misses me, or whatever.  And at the end of one of our infrequent conversations he'll say talk to you soon. But he has never called, never emailed.  Which makes me really think that he doesn't care about me at all.  He's just not interested.  Heck, he's probably even found the next chicky-poo by now.  And that pisses me off and makes me really sad and while I know it's for the best or whatever it's really hard to just walk away from four years and start living your life the way you wanted it to be with him but at the end of every day you come home and there's no one there.  This life is beautiful and full and yet so totally empty.

I don't even know how to start over.  Where to start over.  Where do you find a friend?  Where do you meet those people that inspire you or piss you off endearingly?

I have been such an asshole.  Such a pompous set-apart ass.  And look where it's got me. A couple miles east, a million miles away.

 I feel a little off tonight.  My interview meeting didn't go so hot.  I realize it wasn't the phrase "land-use planning," it was the me saying I would go into a specialty after grad school.  And that wasn't exactly how I meant it, but who knows what I'll want in five years anyways.  I think I was more just frustrated that what I was trying to communicate just didn't get across, as usual.

Here I am, on the cusp of exactly what I want to be doing right now, and I'm terrified and impatient and frustrated.

I want something more than just sitting here tonight, something human and warm and meaningful.

I see his name flicker off and on gmail chat.  I blocked it a few weeks ago but then reversed it because I was constantly looking it up anyways.

I'm impatient with this love too.  Every fibre of me knows it's over and is glad about it, but you can't ever deny yourself that period of getting over it.  For some reason we seem to need it.  You can't cheat and just decline.  

I just want it to be over already.  I want him out of my mind crevices, I want his memory to leave me alone.

At a loss for how to fill this hole, how to dislodge this lump in the back of my throat, I search out my old musician and poet loves, one by one, on youtube where I can see their faces and their eyes. 

Steve Foxx the Beatboxx, Rachel Kann, Daphne Gottlieb, Queen Sheba, Gina Loring, Stacey Ann Chin, and then back to Steve Foxx the Beatboxx because somehow a circle seems proper.

It helps slightly.  There's a warmth spreading.

Okay.

I'm stretched.  I can't decide if I want to write in this blog, or my other one, or my journal.

So I've decided to run with the other blog for the time being.  www.blogspot.com/galliventure.  Email/comment me if you want in.

Gahhh I love working for THE MAN.

Today we called the town lawyer to make sure it was legal for us to ban smoking in the parks.  Ba-BAM!  Cause I work for the man.

I also spent most of my day researching community gardens and how to incorporate them into the municipality.  Cause Hillsborough is cool like that.

And then I got a raise.  Of a dollar.  Mostly just because of circumstance.  Because my boss wants to pay me this entire lump sum and is figuring out how it will work out if I work x number of days.

Speaking of which, I'm turning in another application tomorrow. For Alamance County.  And I've already found the house I want in Hillsborough.  It's sweet and oh so slightly out of my budget assuming I'll be making the median salary of an entry-level planner. Salary.

And I spent my lunch sitting under an old oak tree in the Town Hall's front yard reading Murakami.  Who cracks me up.  He's the kind of author I want to stop and read passages out loud from, except I'm always by myself.

This lonesome thing is lame.

And I keep on wanting to go biking after work on Durham's greenway because it has one but it keeps on raining.

I miss Zack and Jack.

The end.

 Just turned in an application to Rails-to-Trails and Archuleta County, CO!  Hopefully they'll bite. (CHOMP. NOM. NOM. NOM.)

Now let's see if I can go to sleep before 11.  I mean, I've already failed that technically but it's so close I'm going to count it.

I think I'm finally reaching that point where I'm so exhausted I'll be able to sleep, because I sure haven't slept well these last two and a half weeks.

I've been bloggging with Blogger for the last few months, but it turns out you can't make some entries restricted access and others open to anyone, you can only restrict the entire blog. Which is frustrating. And I started writing this entry there anyways, but you know, I think the tone might not go over so well with the grandmother.

So I'm back LiveJournal! (and to the handful of readers I have, I'm excited about writing in this again. You're just the best audience).

So anyways.

Want a quick run-down of what's going on?

My trip was phenomenal fun. I came back. It was marvelous. Tim's (our) new puppy was adorable and sweet. And then something happened. And less than a week later, Tim said I want to be single.  And that was the end of that.  After four years of us, that was the end. I (still) almost don't believe him.  I mean, what the hell?

Anyways.  I am doing relatively well, considering. I'm tired of fighting for him, ready to find someone who for real real wants to be with me, for like, more than six months at a time.  I started working back with Hillsborough on Thursday, and that will continue until August.  I've moved back in with my parents in Durham, and I'm hopefully moving into a sweet little studio apartment in Carrboro in a week or two.  A place I can have all to myself.  That I can fill with plants and books and that is within walking distance of the Farmer's Market, and of, well, everything.

Yesterday we realized our cat Max (the fat orange one) was feeling kind of punky and then discovered this ginormous abcess on his stomach, so we took him into the emergency vet.  He apparently got into a fight with something, was covered in bites and abcesses, was super dehydrated, and had a ridiculous fever.  A night of IV fluids and surgery later, he's doing much much better.  He has one of those cone collars, except it's blue cloth, and it goes away from his head towards his body, rather than towards his nose.  It looks like a little cape.  SuperCAT! Dun Dun Dun!!!

I've spent my day filling out job applications and writing cover letters. I filled out one application entirely in Sharpie. Do you think that's bad? It was the fine point Sharpie... and it gave me a headache.

I'm looking at planning jobs in Colorado and Graham, NC, and at a position with Rails-to-Trails and at the USGBC, both in DC.  I was trying my damndest to find something in the area where I could stay close to my parents and get this life with Tim started, but now that he's opted out I'm kind of feeling like fleeing, just for a few years.  I'm trying to decide if I want the loneliness of a small town in gorgeous Colorado, or the loneliness of a big city full of people I don't know.  I'm kind of leaning towards the city, just because it's a safer bet, but I don't know, chilling out in Colorado could be awesome too.

SO anyways, the thing that prompted my need to write an entry was that I was looking at the people who work at Rails-to-Trails, trying to find the name I need to put atop my shiny new cover letter I just wrote, and I realized that MY FAVORITE PLANNING PROFESSOR OF ALL TIME AT UNC NOW WORKS FOR THEM!

Seriously.  What are the odds?

Phew.

Today is my last day of relative comfort and familiarity.

Last night was my last night at the Chelsea.  It was really sweet, Stone gave me a bouquet of flowers.  Roses, daisies, irises.  Purple and orange.  It was gorgeous.  He said, You have been extraordinary and gave me an awkward have-a-handshake-oh-well-how-about-a-hug-pat-pat which I will cherish forever, considering I don't think you get hugs from Stone very often.

I am going to miss that place a lot, but I'm not all that sad about leaving.  Most of the things that I love about that place have left already, and I'm ready to get on with my life too.

My awful cold is so close to being over.  I can feel it.  Just a slight cough now.

Today is full of laundry, packing, and saying goodbyes.

I'm feeling pretty good about this now.  I'm still a little terrified, but nowhere near as terrified as I was feeling before.

I feel prepared, I feel ready, I feel like I can totally rock this.

Just so you guys know, my blog for this trip is here: http://galliventure.blogspot.com/  We'll see how successful I am at updating it.

I'm making mix cds as homestay family gifts.  They're kind of like "Here's what I'm into at this moment in time" cds.  Here's the playlist:

Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook
Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
David Byrne and Brian Eno - Strange Overtones
MGMT - Kids
The Avett Brothers - Colorshow
Iron & Wine - Boy with a Coin
Jose Gonzalez - Down the Line
Basia Bulat - Snakes and Ladders
Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining
Ben Sollee - It's Not Impossible
Andrew Bird - Skin Is, My
Bon Iver - Skinny Love
Fleet Foxes - Mykonos
Fredrik - Black Fur
Feist - Sealion
Ingrid & Andrew - Sealion
KT Tunstall - Heal Over
Priscilla Ahn - I Don't Think So
Queen Sheba - It Will Pass
Weathertunes - After dawn
Atmosphere - You

I'm totally into the title of Atmosphere's album : When Life Gives You Lemons You Paint That Shit Gold

I think I'm going to adopt it as a motto.

 I have never claimed to be sensitive to the feelings of others when it comes to planning/environmental issues.  I often take a hard stance that not many agree with.  I often am in favor of progress, in favor of development, as long as it results in a high-density, well-planned community that is edging towards sustainability in the long run.

I'm writing a paper on Rogers Road and the landfill for my study abroad trip.  I came across the "wishlist" of reparations that the Rogers Road residents have requested from Carrboro, Chapel Hill, and Orange County governments.  I found some items rather interesting, especially when it came to property taxes, such as:

-  Institute a moratorium on property taxes.  Pay for/subsidize future taxes for the residents in the community enhancement area for as long as any solid waste facilites remain in their community.

- Pay impact stipend to property owners whose land is adjacent to the landfills.  Be vigilant about not allowing residents to lose their homes and/or property because of their inability to pay taxes; advocate for residents who become at risk of losing their homes and/or land due to inability to pay property taxes.

- Return property taxes paid from the time of the opening of the landfills. (This would include Millhouse Road residents).

Now, while I think this community absolutely has been wronged in that this landfill was supposed to be closed and made into a park twenty years ago, I think some of these are far-fetched.  For instance, point two, the second sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the first.

One of the common arguments in issues of environmental racism is that the negative impact was there first and low-income people moved in because of the lower property values.  In many instances this is proved false.  I know that there are several families that have lived on Rogers Road since the 1800s, and that the landfill definitely came after the community, but I was curious as to how many have been there since before the landfill.  So I thought I would do an unofficial count.  I looked up the land records on GIS, and made two categories on a notepad: Sold before 1972 (the date the landfill went in), and sold after 1972.  Thinking back on it I probably should have broken it down by decades, because there is the fact that the landfill was supposed to be closed in the early 1980s, which could have very easily affected buying decisions.

I don't think I got all of the plots in the so-called "Rogers Road Enhancement Area" but I did get the majority, and I did get all of the ones to the east of Rogers Road (closer to the landfill) for sure.

The results?

a whopping 88 sold after 1972, and only 7 have been owned since then.  The seven are by the major African-American families; the Rogers, the Streets, the Purefoys, etc.  But 88!  I couldn't say for sure but I would venture to guess that perhaps 70 of those are since the 1990s.

I was also curious how many of those that would receive the "impact stipend" for being adjacent to the landfill had lived there since it was put in.

6 sold after 1972, 2 before 1972.  

And even more interesting than that?  One of the adjacent parcels belongs to Neloa Jones, the woman who has acted as an advocate throughout this whole waste transfer station fight, the one who wrote up the list of reparations that the community desired.

And it was purchased in 2007.

Of course if you were really going to determine who is owed what you would probably need to do in-person interviews and trace family lines and whatnot because perhaps these people grew up here and rented a nearby property before they bought their own.  But I found this little study interesting.

Beyond that the group is asking to be deannexed from Carrboro (because half of the community is part of Carrboro and half is just Orange County), that they never be annexed by anyone, and that they get city water, sewer, street lights, sidewalks, fire hydrants, bus service, and improved fire and ems service.

That I think is ridiculous.  You can't ask to be completely detached from a community, completely exempt from property taxes, and expect to receive all of the city services that are FUNDED BY THOSE TAXES for perpetuity.  I think it would be good to be annexed because then the code enforcement officer could come by and make the residents remove the old rotting cars and trash from their property.  That's not part of the Orange County code.  I drove by there yesterday just because I hadn't been there in awhile.  Most of the properties are, while somewhat dilapidated, clean and tidy.  There are three or four in particular though, that have trash and cars all over the property.  They can't complain that the landfill is contaminating their well water when all of that crap is leaching into the ground.

In my mind, if they were annexed, those few residents would be forced to clean up their property, and the area would receive all of the city services.  Then, when the landfill is indeed turned into a park, Northern Chapel Hill would be a lovely area with an elementary school, a park, and a thriving Rogers Road community that is connected to the rest of the town both in terms of transit services and a pedestrian network.

I just saw this woman in a long thick fur coat get into a Prius.

 My super awesome camera came in the mail yesterday.

Totally surprised me, because I hadn't gotten the 'order shipped' email and I was kind of freaking out that it wouldn't arrive until after I left.

A Nikon Coolpix S550, 10 Megapixels, 5x zoom, and it's itty bitty.

This thing is super awesome.

It has a smile mode, where if a camera subject is smiling, it will automatically recognize it, focus on that subject, and take a picture, without you having to do anything.

It's AMAZING!

I kind of want to go to a park with a tripod, set it on smile mode, and see what sort of photos of giggling kids I get.

So now Tim's favorite thing is to grab the camera, hold it out in front of us, and then attack me with kisses until I start giggling and the camera goes off.

It's resulted in some pretty silly pictures.

I'm pretty excited about using this ALL OVER THE WORLD.

 I think I want to work at the UN.

Just saying.

We're going to be touring it in two weeks....right now I'm reading one of their state of the world's cities reports.

This stuff is bangin'.

I love cities.

Hooray!  My application for the University of Illinois - Chicago is submitted and support materials are about to be put in the mail!

Three down, two to go.  Or maybe just one to go.  Maybe I'll gamble and not actually apply to Clemson.  I mean, who likes orange anyways?

I think I'm going to go back to sleep now.

I always worry too early.  It kind of cracks me up.  Afterwards, of course.  During I'm pissed off and worried as hell.

From now on whenever I get worried I should just put it off for three days.  Just tell myself to chill out, and that in three days I can worry all I want.

Like yesterday, I was starting to freak out about my study abroad/unc bill.  My aid wasn't coming in, and deadlines seemed to be looming, and I was distressed.

I spent all day on campus walking around getting people to explain things to me.  Basically, they just explained that I needed to wait.  I started to calm down a little bit.

And then yesterday evening I got the email from study abroad saying that my grant had posted to my account.  I actually laughed out loud.  That was what I was worrying about all day long.  If I had just waited a little longer.....

In any case, I'm quite happy.  Things are falling into place.  I still need to pull together my final three grad school applications but I'm putting them off like crazy.

One way of doing this is going through all the lovely NPR lists of the year's greatest music: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=96539763

There's some great stuff in here.

I think instead of doing grad school applications today I'm going to keep on cleaning out drawers.  I'm getting rid of stuff like you wouldn't believe.  For whatever move ends up happening, whether it's my parents to Durham, or my stuff to a storage unit, or my move to Hillsborough.

And it feels so good. 

It feels so much more productive than completing grad school applications.

I'll do them tomorrow.  I promise.

My family has been debating whether or not to get a live christmas tree for the past two years.  Last year we ended up getting a regular old cut christmas tree.

This year, my parents came home with the greatest thing ever:

A live magnolia tree!

They bought it from this gay psychologist-turned-arborist who owns this amazing nursery out in Durham that my dad sometimes delivers trees for.  And his trees are super expensive, because they're super healthy and amazing, but we got an employee discount.  Just $70 for a live christmas tree.  And it's like twice as local as a fir, because it's a native species from a local business.

It's so cute with lights and little ornaments on it.

And then we can plant it.  And it will smell amazing when it starts to bloom.

Now how is that for a southern christmas?

Ack.  My capstone presentation was today.  It's on the carbon emissions of Chapel Hill Transit.

Here I was, wearing high heels and expensive pants and it's raining buckets.  I can't drive there (even in a prius) for a presentation on increasing bus ridership.  That would be like the detroit executives flying in on planes.

I was in a conundrum.  But I took the bus.  I figured overall it would require less walking outside than parking and walking.  And I navigated riding the bus in high heels pretty well I think.

And our presentation knocked their socks off.  Man oh man.

And we managed to get through 51 slides with seven people in just twenty minutes.

Bam.  Bam.  Bam.

Information was flying at them so fast they didn't even know how to react.  Bam.

It was awesome.

But, the best part was that one of the planning professors was there, and I was giving one of my spiels and he nudges our advisor and says She should apply to school here.  And my advisor, who wrote one of my recommendation letters, said She already did.

AHHHHH.  And then after class he pulled me aside and wrote my name down and we talked for awhile about land use issues.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

This is exactly why I cared so much about this project and got so frustrated when my team members didn't think it was a very big deal.  I'm presenting to future educators and employers. I want to make a big bang impression.

And boy did we.  My awesome boots may have helped.

And now I am done done done with school!

To which Tim always laughs and says, Yeah, except for grad school applications, and applying for visas, and packing for your trip, and packing for moving, and all that.

Right.  But I'm getting there.

And now I can knit and make bread and read books.

Two elderly women (I'm talking late 70s) just walked into Cup A Joe wearing these sleek pumas.  And while the rest of their outfits weren't particularly hip, you know, just jeans and sweaters and stuff, the shoes totally made my day.

I can only hope to be that hip when I'm a granny.


Me to Jack: I like your shirt.
Jack to me: I like you!


Writing admissions essays for graduate school is lame.  Especially when its for Kenan-Flagler.  Especially when I'm hardly qualified for this degree anyways.  Especially when I should be studying for my exams.  I'm all like "I'm awesome, I have potential, you want me."  And then I throw in phrases like green economy, sustainable enterprise, triple bottom line, unique market solutions, return on investment.

I ran into one of Tim's old bosses today.  We were chatting about this and that, and we started talking about albino deer.  He said Native Americans believe seeing an albino deer signifies that change is going to come.

He saw four albino deer the other night.

Hallelujah.

Also, apparently Obama is going to create a new position in the White House for a Director of Urban Policy.  Sa-weet.  How's that for some change?

I recently received my final itinerary for next semester.

And....while I knew I was going to a bazillion different countries, I get to go to a bazillion more just because of all the flights.  And yeah, I probably won't step out of the airport.  But still.

Ahem.

Brazil
Argentina
South Africa
Vietnam
Malaysia
China

Plus we come back in through Los Angeles.  I've never been to Los Angeles before, not even California.

It's safe to say I'm pretty freakin' excited.

Dear World,

Moustaches are NOT, I repeat, NOT in vogue.  Stop thinking they are.  They're not.  At all.  And they won't be tomorrow.  Or the next day.  Stop thinking their time is going to come.  It won't.


Love,

Me

I am so tired of people and their opinions on these unwanted land uses, like the airport or the waste transfer station.  I'm sitting in Cup a Joe, and this lady runs into a friend who she thinks has some sway in the airport decision (but it turns out she doesn't really) and the lady lets her eyes get really big and says, Well, you know, one of the sites they're looking at is right where we live!

Of course it is.  It's always going to be where someone lives.

I realize that I've become very hardened to these issues in the last year.  My response is now, Well, it's got to go in someone's back yard. Which I know is cold and mean and whatever.  I wouldn't say the same thing about something that had a strongly negative impact, like a chemical plant or something.  But, an airport, seriously?

People keep on saying that it's unnecessary, but I don't understand that at all.  The AHEC flights are crucial to rural areas of the state (of which there are many) and it also plays a huge role in getting organ transplants to the hospital rapidly enough to keep them viable.  People who move into the apartment complex across from the airport probably never think about it as a factor in their living there.  Horace Williams has really kept quite a low profile in our community as it is.  I understand that that land is very valuable as development land and they would rather have the airport somewhere where land values are lower.  Having an airport won't cause rural parts of this county to grow any faster.  It's a small, efficient operation with no additional infrastructure needed.  Nearby residents may see increased traffic on their roads, but that's about it.  And I can't imagine the planes are very loud, as I don't really notice them even when they fly right over me as I'm driving down Airport Road.

Driving the thirty minutes to RDU on the Interstate will not have the same efficiency as this airport will for UNC's needs.  I'm very glad that they ordered that it had to be placed within Orange County, because that is crucial to its effectiveness.  This is really harsh, but if you're living way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere where there's a lot of land for pretty cheap you've got to expect that someone's going to come in and do something with it at some point unless you specifically buy it up and put it into conservation yourself.  It's not like they're building a whole medical complex that will bring housing and other development with it.  It's an airport for gods sake.  A small airport with a very specific purpose that I don't really see changing in the next several decades.  These nearby residents happen to live within a reasonable distance of several very good hospitals.  Many people in this state don't.  Shouldn't they also be allowed access to medical care?


And as for the waste transfer station, phew, don't even get me started.  I don't think it should be a waste transfer station in the first place.  It should be a landfill.  If we're going to be as green as we're always pretending to be, we need to be responsible for our own waste.  Shipping it off to another county or another state (undoubtaby with a poorer population) is no good.  It's not good in terms of the emissions and traffic and road wear from all those trucks driving up and down the interstates (coming back empty, mind you).  If we keep our waste in our own backyard we'll be more likely to both reduce our waste and figure out creative and more sustainable ways to dispose of it.  If they locate this somewhere other than the Orange County Landfill, they could probably turn that into a park a couple of decades after it closes.  And eventually maybe even build on it.

As for the location of whatever they decide to build, it should be somewhere that's not too far out of the way so that it's not far from the trash collection routes.  People are arguing that it shouldn't be put in Hillsborough's Economic Development Zone, but I really don't think it will affect other economic development per se.  Most "economic development" uses involve big warehouses and very little customer interaction at that location.  Like UPS, for example.  Which, you'll note, is just down the road from the landfill.  And a waste transfer station is even less obtrusive than a landfill.  It's basically an open building built on top of a hill with a hole in the corner.  Trucks pull in below the hole, and people dump their trash inside the building.  A backhoe inside pushes all the trash into the hole, filling up the truck below.  That truck pulls away and drives off, and then the next one pulls up.  That sort of an operation shouldn't be located in a residential area.  Thus, an economic development zone seems like a fine spot.

I absolutely agree that there should be plenty of public comment in this process.  But I also think the public needs to be realistic about it.  They both are absolutely necessary, they both are part of the infrastructure that allows you to live in this county.  It's got to go somewhere, now pick a place.